Supermassive Black Hole
by Nethiel Nessime
Summary: Yumichika has something perfect planned for Renji's stag-party. He might have overdone it a bit, but, then again, that's exactly what Yumichika is about. Oneshot, song-inspired. Hints at RenRuki.


Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, its characters, or the song Supermassive Black Hole. Kubo Tite owns Bleach and Muse own the song.

* * *

Rukia sighed and closed her eyes, tuning out the chattering females around her. She was nervous enough without them around and their prattle didn't help much, but she was glad her friends tried to cheer her up. Orihime was currently fixing her hair, Rangiku was finishing up on painting her face, Nanao and Nemu were getting her ceremonial kimono ready and Isane was getting the tsunokakushi out of its case. She knew that wearing it would be an outrageous lie, really, and she would look ridiculous in it, but who was she to go against tradition? The important thing was that she and Renji would finally be wed, and that he knew exactly what he was getting with her, so no head-gear could actually give him any hope of the opposite.

Rukia could barely wait. She wanted it to already be over and at the same time she dreaded the moment and wanted to postpone it. She was nervous like hell, worse than she had ever been, and she saw no reason for it.

At that moment a knock interrupted her, snapping her out of her thoughts. Rangiku was at the door in an instant, ready to kill whoever it was that had interrupted her important task.

"Renji, if that's you behind that- oh Ikkak- I mean, Madarame-taicho!" Well, apparently she wouldn't. "What do you need?" Ikkaku, who had been captain of the Third division for ten years, entered the room with a blank face and turned to Rukia alone.

"Rukia-san," he said, in a terrifying monotone so unlike his usual boisterous tone. "I am very sorry to say that the wedding will have to be postponed."

The room fell into a high-tension state of silence. Rukia felt her reiatsu bubble along with her anger, but she kept her calm, in a very good imitation of her brother.

"Why? Has something happened?" She asked icily. Ikkaku didn't seem to notice.

"We...have suffered severe mental trauma, and we are unable to face anything less mind-engaging than paperwork."

"Who _'we'_?" Rukia hissed.

"Everyone. Me, Renji, Kuchiki-taicho. Everyone."

This spiked the interest of all women present. Something that would render Kuchiki Byakuya unable to attend something as trivial as a wedding was definitely worth knowing.

"What caused that trauma?" Isane asked first, Healer inside already trying to think what medication would be appropriate.

Ikkaku's eyes glazed over even more than they were, clearly indicating that he was remembering the incident...

* * *

Byakuya had known that the _stag-party _was an incredibly stupid idea all along, especially since Ayasegawa Yumichika had suggested it, of all people. That feeling had only been dulled, but had never disappeared from the back of his mind. Currently it was being pushed back by the exquisite drink he was enjoying, a Tequila Sunrise, to be precise. Byakuya sipped his drink elegantly and, once again, checked over the _monkeys _that were around, sighed and returned to his drink, seeing that everything was still under control.

Abarai, Kurosaki and Madarame were happily hollering at each other about something or another. Zaraki was sulking in a corner with something strong in hand, because everyone had strictly forbidden him to engage _anyone_ in a fight, thus kicking them out of yet another bar. Urahara was, in a show of extreme stupidity, trying to cheer him up.

Hitsugaya was leading a semi-civilized conversation with Kyoraku, Hisagi and Kira. The semi came in place after the men had had enough liquor to slur their words and lead their minds into directions slightly uncomfortable for the young captain, namely his second-in-command. Ukitake was nodding off behind them.

Ishida and Yasutora were sipping at their own drinks quietly next to Byakuya, thus becoming the only people that he would dare call civilized.

Byakuya sighed. Despite the drinks, and the amusement those buffoons presented, he was getting bored, impatient and irritated. He really couldn't fathom how exactly had Ayasegawa convinced him to attend this ridiculous event. Speaking of the devil, where was he exactly?

At the exact time this question passed through the noble's mind, the loud music stopped. Several light projectors found their way to a slim figure on a slightly-raised stage that no-one had really noticed until now.

"What the- Yumichika?!" Ikkaku expressed the thought entering everyone's heads.

The man in question grinned brilliantly from the stage.

"Hello, everyone!" Yumichika chirped. "To celebrate tomorrow's glorious event, I would like to grace you all with a wonderful song I only recently heard thanks to Orihime-chan! I really think it fits Abarai-kun's situation perfectly." He nodded to someone hidden from view and a guitar blasted a little too-loud for the intoxicated Shinigami's tastes.

"I didn't know this was a karaoke bar." Ichigo said, a tad worried.

"Well, it seems at least Yumichika finally abandoned those stupid girly abominations he used to like. This has potential!" Ikkaku mused, although something about the tune bothered him. Maybe not so much the tune, but the way Yumichika was smiling and moving.

"Ikakku-san, can he actually sing?" Renji asked mere seconds before the actual singing started and he was proved that Yumichika could sing indeed. But it was not your usual singing. Oh no.

Yumichika half-moaned, half-sung the lyrics whilst performing moves Ikkaku had only ever seen in a strip-bar.

"_Ooh, baby don't you know I suffer_

_And oh baby can you hear me moan?_" This drew several very interesting reactions.

Most of Yumichika's assembled friends just gaped with their jaws lost somewhere on the floor, eyes slightly bulging, their state getting worse with every second of the improbable song. Zaraki-taicho choked on the vodka he'd just drunk, but that was really his only reaction. Ikkaku was following Yumichika's every move with a look that was swaying between pained and scared. Abarai-kun was shaking his head in disbelief, much in the same way Ichigo was. The most rewarding sight was Kuchiki-taicho snorting his chosen drink through his nose (an action which left said captain walking around with his expensive shawl covering his swollen red nose for a week and a lifelong hatred for the Tequila Sunrise). His job was done, Yumichika concluded and proceeded to sing and sway into the rhythm of the glorious song.

* * *

Madarame-taicho shuddered, closed his eyes and took a long ragged breath.

"You _really_ don't want to know. Please excuse me ladies. Rukia-san, I'm sorry." He turned and left briskly.

The women in the room shared a silent look. This was something they simply couldn't let pass.

* * *

A/N: I realize this might not be the best interpretation of the idea. The idea came about (to my sister, no less) a few months after I heard the song Supermassive Black Hole by Muse. That song fits Yumichika so perfectly it's **scary.** And gives me the giggles every time I hear it. So, yeah, that's the song he's singing.

Please leave a review and let me know if I pulled it off right.


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